The Stress of Supporting Parents While Raising Children

If you are raising children while also supporting ageing parents, stress can become a constant background noise. There is practical pressure (time, logistics, money), emotional pressure (worry, guilt, resentment), and relational pressure (tension with siblings, partners, or parents). Many people in this “sandwich” position are capable and high functioning. Still, the load can quietly accumulate until your sleep, mood, patience, and health start to shift.

This article explains why the sandwich load is so taxing, what research shows about caregiver stress, and what can make the strain more manageable.

Caregiving in Singapore Today

As Singapore’s population continues to grow older, more adults are stepping into caregiving roles for ageing parents, partners with chronic health conditions, or relatives who require long-term support.

Data from the Singapore Department of Statistics indicates that by 2030, one in four residents will be aged 65 or above. By 2023, more than 19 per cent of the population had already reached this age group.

Although longer life expectancy reflects progress in healthcare, it also means that many older adults are living with chronic illnesses, dementia, or physical limitations that demand sustained care, time, and emotional commitment from their adult children. For many caregivers, these duties are carried alongside employment, raising children, and managing financial responsibilities.

Why the “sandwich” load feels uniquely heavy

Caring across two generations often creates competing commitments. Parenting has daily urgency. Supporting parents can be unpredictable, especially when health changes quickly or appointments multiply. A qualitative study in Singapore on family caregiving highlighted themes such as caregiver burden, competing commitments, and the role of foreign domestic workers in caregiving arrangements, showing how pressure can spread across practical and emotional domains (Tyagi et al., 2023).

The strain is not only about the number of tasks. It is also about role conflict: you are simultaneously a parent, an adult child, a partner, and an employee. When each role carries strong expectations, people can feel as if they are failing in all directions, even while working extremely hard.

How stress builds over time

A useful way to understand caregiver strain is the stress process model, which describes stress as a chain: background context and resources, primary stressors tied to caregiving, and secondary stressors that spill into other roles and into self-concept (Pearlin et al., 1990).

In sandwich caregiving, the “secondary stressors” often look like:

• Work performance anxiety because you keep leaving early or responding late
• Marriage tension because the household load feels uneven
• Reduced time with children, followed by guilt
• A shrinking sense of self, where life becomes duty and management

When this continues, burnout can emerge even if you still “function”.

What research says about caregivers and mental health

Across many studies, caregiving-related stressors are linked with higher burden and more depressive mood, especially when care demands intensify (Pinquart & Sörensen, 2003).

There is also strong evidence that becoming a “sandwich carer” can coincide with worsening mental health. A prospective longitudinal study using the UK Household Longitudinal Study found that taking on sandwich care was associated with deterioration in mental health, particularly among those providing more than 20 hours of care per week, and that this deterioration persisted for several years (Xue et al., 2025).

Even though this is UK data, the underlying mechanism matters in Singapore too: sustained demands without recovery often predict persistent strain.

Singapore-specific realities that shape the experience

Singapore’s caregiving context has features that can both help and complicate things.

1. Care is often shared, but not always well shared

Research on caregiving task-sharing in Singapore identified multiple patterns, including “shared” models and “solo” caregiving. “Solo-Diverse” caregivers, who handle many domains alone, showed higher depressive symptoms and were less likely to be employed (Lim-Soh et al., 2025).

This is important because many sandwich carers assume they “should” cope without relying on others. The data suggests that isolation in caregiving is a risk factor.

2. Foreign domestic workers can be a major part of care arrangements

Singapore caregiving often involves a foreign domestic worker, and caregiver experiences can vary depending on how care is delegated and coordinated (Tyagi et al., 2023).

A helper can reduce physical tasks, but they do not remove emotional responsibility, decision fatigue, or family conflict.

3. Cultural expectations can add moral pressure

When family responsibility is strongly emphasised, many adult children carry a private belief that setting limits is selfish. That belief can keep people stuck in over-functioning, even when their health is deteriorating.

Signs the load is becoming too much

You do not need a crisis to take your stress seriously. Common indicators include:

• Sleep that is light, broken, or unrefreshing
• Irritability, numbness, or frequent tearfulness
• A persistent sense of dread, even on “quiet” days
• Forgetfulness, poor focus, or increased mistakes
• Feeling resentful, then feeling guilty for the resentment
• Less patience with your children, followed by self-criticism
• Somatic symptoms (headaches, gut issues, tight chest, jaw tension)

These are often signs of prolonged strain rather than personal weakness.

What can help, practically and emotionally

1. Treat caregiving as a system, not a person’s role

Map the tasks across domains: daily living support, medical coordination, transport, finances, emotional support. Research in Singapore suggests that task-sharing patterns matter, and solo caregiving is linked with worse mental health indicators (Lim-Soh et al., 2025). A concrete task map makes it easier to ask for specific help rather than vague help.

2. Have a “minimum viable care” conversation

Many families operate on silent assumptions until someone collapses. A helpful shift is asking:

• What is essential care this month?
• What can be simplified?
• What can be rotated?
• What needs paid support?

This is not cold. It is sustainable.

3. Reduce the mental load, not only the physical load

The heaviest strain is often not lifting or driving. It is planning, anticipating, and deciding. Examples that reduce mental load:

• One shared calendar for appointments and medication refills
• One sibling responsible for medical communication for a set period
• A single channel for updates so you are not repeating information

4. Set boundaries that you can keep

Overpromising and then breaking promises increases stress. Start with boundaries that are realistic:

• A fixed evening each week that is protected for your children
• One day each weekend where you do not do admin
• A limit on how many late-night calls you will take unless urgent

5. Make space for the emotions you think you “should not” have

Resentment, grief, anger, and fatigue are common in caregiving. They often coexist with love. Suppressing them tends to increase stress. Naming them reduces shame and helps you respond with choice rather than reactivity.

6. Consider professional support when strain becomes chronic

Therapy can help you work with guilt, perfectionism, family dynamics, and decision paralysis, while also building a plan that protects your health and your relationships. It can also help you separate what is truly your responsibility from what you have absorbed over time.

A closing thought

Supporting parents while raising children can be meaningful, but meaning does not cancel strain. Research consistently shows that greater caregiving stressors are linked with higher burden and worse mood outcomes (Pinquart & Sörensen, 2003), and that transitions into sandwich care can coincide with sustained declines in mental health, especially when care hours are high (Xue et al., 2025).

If you are feeling stretched thin, it may be a signal that your system needs redistribution, support, and recovery, not more self-discipline.

• Lim-Soh, J., Sung, P., Quach, H.-L., & Malhotra, R. (2025). Sharing in caring: Family caregiving task-sharing patterns for older adults in Singapore. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 80(1), gbae186.
• Pearlin, L. I., Mullan, J. T., Semple, S. J., & Skaff, M. M. (1990). Caregiving and the stress process: An overview of concepts and their measures. The Gerontologist, 30(5), 583–594.
• Pinquart, M., & Sörensen, S. (2003). Associations of stressors and uplifts of caregiving with caregiver burden and depressive mood: A meta-analysis. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 58(2), P112–P128.
• Tyagi, S., Luo, N., Tan, C. S., et al. (2023). Qualitative study exploring heterogeneity in caregiving experiences post-stroke in Singapore. BMJ Open, 13(3), e055988.
• Xue, B., Lacey, R. E., Di Gessa, G., & McMunn, A. (2025). Do mental and physical health trajectories change around transitions into sandwich care? Results from the UK household longitudinal study. Public Health, 239, 224–229.